If you have searched for relationship counseling, marriage counseling or couples counseling then here are the most important things to look out for.

I have written a few articles about the issues with relationship counseling & marriage counseling but there can still be benefits in using relationship counseling or marriage counseling if you are an attuned, emotional intelligent and self-aware couple.

So, if you made the decision and want to get relationship counseling or marriage counseling then here is what to look for to ensure you get a good one.

4 tips to successful relationship counseling or marriage counseling

Someone with background in emotional focused therapy also called EFT

Why is this important?

The most common cycles of conflicts that repeat and express themselves in different forms are attachment related and so someone that understand attachment theory and how to work with different attachment styles will be able to help you identify the negative cycle you might be stuck in and help you break it.

This will reduce conflicts and help you both connect more.

It’s also the couples therapy or couples counseling with the highest success rate of 75%.

Here are some questions to ask a potential couples therapist

• Do you have any training in emotional focused therapy?
• What is about EFT that is so helpful to couples?
• Can I speak to any of your previous clients about their experience?

Somatic experiencing, somatica method or similar training

Therapy is often too focused on our cognitive ability, thoughts and speech and neglect our bodily sensations.

In a simplified version we have a brain with 3 essential layers.

Sensations that regulate our bodies such as hunger, thirst, if we are hot or cold and so on.

Then we have emotions that motivate and connects us.

Finally, we have cognition or thoughts that is very overvalued in our culture.

Talking therapy alone has been shown in many cases to have very low success.  

That does not mean it does not have value as we use words to understand the world around us and if we can change how we interpret the world with words and our thoughts we can also have different emotional responses.

However, if we incorporate the body in somatic therapy, we open up a whole new way to express and process our experience.

For me and many others mindful dance such as 5^th rhythms have been an amazing way to open up to being present in our experience and process issues that could not be done through thoughts or conversation alone.

I would therefore recommend someone that have the theory and knowledge of Emotional focused therapy and some somatic or dance therapy background. Or do both.

Everything is stored in the body and so we can often access and release things through movement in a way we can’t as well through conversation.

And it’s a direct route that often don’t even require a logical understanding of the issue.

Here are some questions to ask a potential couples therapist

• Do you have any training in somatic or dance therapy?
• What do you find is most helpful for your clients when doing somatic or dance therapy?
• Can I speak to any of your previous clients about their experience?

Sexuality

All 3 couples therapists I visited during my marriage did not bring up sex once.

How can anyone provide marriage or couples therapy or counseling and skip the topic of sex.

It seems to mainly come down to therapists being uncomfortable with the topic or simply lacking the knowledge to actually know much about human sexuality.

Sex is a major part of any relationship and also impact both your relationship intimacy and overall happiness.

I would therefore recommend if you want couples therapy or counseling then ensure the therapist have a great amount of knowledge around sexuality and is comfortable discussing this.

Here are some questions to ask a potential couples therapist

• Do you have any training in human sexuality?
• What are some of the best books on human sexuality? (check them out and see if your views align with the therapists)
• Can I speak to any of your previous clients about their experience?

Someone you connect with

An interesting fact is that one of the most important factors in deciding the outcome of any therapy is the relationship between the client (I really don’t like this name) and therapist.

If there is not a connection and trust between you two then it’s unlikely the therapist can have an impact at all.

We influenced more by people we connect with and trust.

This is why I would avoid a therapist that sit and take notes rather than being present with you and empathising with your experience.

If they need notes tell them to record it and a simple transcribe software can sort the notes for them afterwards.

A good couples therapist or counselor is present and connect.

This is subjective and only you can say if you connect with the therapist but have a phone call before going and sense if the therapist shows empathy for your situation and seem to be listening and acknowledge your experience. 

I once told a therapist that my son was in hospital with a life limiting condition and she simply said ok and moved on and I knew instantly she was not the therapist for me.

Good luck finding couples counseling, marriage counselors or couples therapy.

If you want to learn tools you can use now to decrease conflicts, increase intimacy and have an amazing sex life then check out my eBook’s here.

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