Hi, today I will teach you the 39 signs to look out for.
Dating a narcissist is a nightmare, and you can avoid it if you know how to spot them.
They might disguise their dysfunction well initially, covered up with charm, cloning your identity or love-bombing with a hyper-focus on you, intense admiration, and talking about the future very soon.
Let’s look at the 9 official traits used to diagnose narcissistic personality disorder. Then we will jump into some of these in more detail, and finally, we will look at the 39 red flags that you could be dealing with a narcissist.
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1. grandiose sense of self-importance
2. preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
3. the belief they’re special and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people or institutions
4. need for excessive admiration
5. sense of entitlement
6. interpersonally exploitative behavior
7. lack of empathy
8. envy of others or a belief that others are envious of them
9. demonstration of arrogant and haughty behaviors or attitudes
They want to appear superior to others. They can’t see win/win, only win/lose.
Grandiosity is the defining characteristic of narcissism.
More than just arrogance or vanity, grandiosity is an unrealistic sense of superiority.
Narcissists believe they are unique or “special” and can only be understood by other special people.
What’s more, they are too good for anything average or ordinary.
They only want to associate and be associated with other high-status people, places, and things.
Narcissists also believe that they’re better than everyone else and expect recognition as such—even when they’ve done nothing to earn it.
They will often exaggerate or outright lie about their achievements and talents.
And when they talk about work or relationships, all you’ll hear is how much they contribute, how great they are, and how lucky the people in their lives are to have them.
They are the undisputed star, and everyone else is, at best, a part-time player.
Since reality doesn’t support their grandiose view of themselves, narcissists live in a fantasy world propped up by distortion, self-deception, and magical thinking.
They spin self-glorifying fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, attractiveness, and ideal love that make them feel special and in control.
These fantasies protect them from feelings of inner emptiness and shame, so facts and opinions that contradict them are ignored, rationalized away, or attacked.
Anything that threatens to burst the fantasy bubble is met with extreme defensiveness and even rage, so those around the narcissist learn to tread carefully around their denial of reality.
A narcissist’s sense of superiority is like a balloon that gradually loses air without a steady stream of applause and recognition to keep it inflated.
The occasional compliment is not enough.
Narcissists need constant food for their ego, so they surround themselves with people willing to satisfy their obsessive craving for affirmation.
These relationships are very one-sided.
It’s all about what the admirer can do for the narcissist, never the other way around.
And if there is ever an interruption or diminishment in the admirer’s attention and praise, the narcissist treats it as a betrayal, and rage or withdrawal will follow.
Because they consider themselves special, narcissists expect favorable treatment.
They genuinely believe that whatever they want, they should get.
They also expect the people around them to comply with their every wish and whim automatically.
If you don’t anticipate and meet their every need, you can expect anger in response.
And if you have the nerve to defy their will or “selfishly” ask for something in return, prepare yourself for aggression, outrage, or the cold shoulder.
They feel entitled to skip the queue, get the best seat, be served before others, grab women by the…..
They feel they deserve special treatment because they are superior and special in their fantasy land.
They feel everyone should comply with their demands no matter how unreasonable or unrealistic they are, and they get very upset or angry if you don’t comply.
Imagine an insecure, emotionally unregulated, spoiled child. That’s the narcissist.
They complain if they have not been given special treatment.
Everyone should accommodate them, and rules do not apply to them.
They become angry if they are not treated special, and their needs are not met.
Look for how they act when dealing with service staff like a restaurant, flight attendance, hotel check-in.
Are they unpleasant to the staff?
Are they complaining about not getting special treatment?
You are likely to feel embarrassed by their behavior.
They expect you to go along with their needs, wants, and desires and get angry if you don’t.
Their slogan is “My way or the highway.”
They can also appear snobbish, putting down those they don’t feel dress as well, as successful as them, drive a cheaper car than them.
They put others down to make themselves appear superior.
They are the typical bully.
They dismiss or ignore people they see as below them, and that helps them feel more superior.
See how they respond if you question their achievements, disagree with them, or say no to something they want.
If they respond with anger, blame, pot-downs, then it’s a warning sign.
Narcissists never develop the ability to identify with the feelings of others—to put themselves in other people’s shoes.
In other words, they lack empathy.
In many ways, they view the people in their lives as objects—there to serve their needs.
Consequently, they don’t think twice about taking advantage of others to achieve their ends.
Sometimes this interpersonal exploitation is malicious, but often it is simply oblivious.
Narcissists simply don’t think about how their behavior affects others.
And if you point it out, they still won’t truly get it.
The only thing they understand is their own needs.
Narcissists feel threatened whenever they encounter someone who appears to have something they lack—especially those who are confident and popular.
They’re also threatened by people who criticize, disagree, or challenge them in any way.
Their defense mechanism is contempt.
The only way to neutralize the threat and prop up their sagging ego is to put those people down.
They may do it condescendingly or dismissively to demonstrate how little the other person means to them.
Or they may go on the attack with insults, name-calling, bullying, and threats to force the other person back into line.
Like the other cluster-b personality disorders, they can seem very charming at first. Still, they have traumatic insecurity meaning they must maintain a false sense of being superior to others.
They see the world as winners and losers, so there is no win/win, which is why they take advantage of others and use and discard people when they are no longer deemed useful.
They demand constant attention and validation to sustain their false reality of superiority, and so they must put others down to feel good about themselves.
If you don’t validate their vanity and inflated sense of self, they will attack you and have no empathy towards those they attack.
They will do anything to look good and avoid blame, which means sacrificing you and ruining your career, business, or life.
They Lie, manipulate or even harm others.
Everything is fair game to maintain their sense of being superior and important.
They are the ultimate manifestation of insecurity covered up by trying to portray the opposite image of being strong, significant, superior to others, and special.
They also tend to operate in powerful positions as it makes them feel special and above others.
They never apologies for their destructive behavior unless it’s to manipulate you and get something from you.
They will try to make you feel bad about your reaction to their abuse.
It’s always other’s fault in their world.
To a narcissist, you are just a supply they use to achieve something, often validation.
When a new supply or shiny object comes along, they will discard you.
They overinflate their achievements to feel special and better than others.
They like to brag, and they can’t recognize their own mistakes or weaknesses.
They are self-centered and focused on their own need without regard to the impact on others.
Show no care for other’s needs and always prioritize themselves.
They disregard others’ distresses and are unable or unwilling to offer any support.
They often blame or criticize their distressed partner for how the distress impacts what they want.
Instead of supporting you when you are distressed, they will blame and attack you for ruining their day/evening.
It’s all about their needs.
You will feel unseen, unheard, unsupported, and emotionally alone.
When they hurt you, there will be no acknowledgment of the harm they caused, and they will often find a way to blame you for their behavior.
Think about a hyper-insecure & spoiled child that throws tantrums.
That’s a narcissist.
The school year bully blames someone else when caught.
They talk about themselves a lot without any regard to how the other is feeling.
They are just not that interested when you share about your life.
A typical experience with a narcissist is that you listen to their problems for a long time, offer sympathy, and try to help them.
When you start sharing your story, they either cut you off and make it about them, or they tune out, yarn, check their phone, look around or do something else.
Their attention is gone when it’s no longer about them.
Boosting and bragging about themselves and how liked and popular they are.
I am so much better/more intelligent than everyone else.
Such statements are a significant warning sign.
They exaggerate their accomplishments, talents, popularity.
If they have not accomplished much yet, they will talk about their great potential or blame their lack of success on everyone else and be the victim.
They will talk about how they know x, y, and z important people, hoping you will be impressed and provide a fix of validation.
They believe their existence is more important than others.
They want credit for everything and recognition.
They often take credit for other people’s accomplishments.
If they had any perceived success, they will constantly boast about their achievements, wealth, etc.
Their bragging might be accurate, or it can be a lie.
They cannot admit defeat.
Trump is a perfect example of this
1. He boasts about how many people came to his inauguration. (He lied)
2. He took credit for the corona vaccine. (Take credit for other people’s work)
3. He constantly said no one had ever done better than him, and the economy had never been better. (he lied)
4. He claimed to have won the election in 2020 (he lied and can’t acknowledge defeat)
5. He would steal credit, boast about his wealth, and popularity and makeup facts to boast about his achievements.
The perfect example of a narcissist at full display and their high intense emotions.
Constant drama and conflict.
They lash out at anyone disagreeing with them like a bully.
No regard for the harm their actions can cause others.
They will talk about all these things they will achieve. Most of it never happens. They are dreamers.
They will throw anyone under the bus that does not validate their fantasies, lies, and sense of importance and superiority.
If you dare challenge them, you become the object of their anger and blame.
They belittle anyone they see as competition.
They will disregard you, long-term friends, and family in a heartbeat if they meet someone they think can further their objective of success, wealthy or superior.
Rage is uncontrolled and uninhibited anger.
Narcissists will typically fly into a rage when they feel you don’t accommodate their needs, disagree with them, prioritize yourself, pull them up on their lies or fantasies.
Anything that endangers their fragile sense of self and makes them feel inferior or challenge their fantasy that they are superior will often result in outbursts of rage.
They use rage because they lack emotional regulation and control you and ensure the focus is on their needs, and you don’t dare to challenge their lies and sense of superiority.
You will feel anxious and like you are walking an egg-shelves around this person.
The apparent rage is often hidden in the beginning of the dating experience, so look for subtle signs such as
How do they drive?
Does he cut others of?
Never let others in the queue.
Is he hostile towards a service staff?
Do you see signs of aggression or hostility towards other people?
Early in the dating experience, it’s more likely to show up towards others as they are on their best behavior with you.
It’s why they boast and brag.
They select the perfect pictures for social media.
Narcissists often spend significant time on social media to get validation.
It’s easy to cultivate a false image there that people praise and compliment.
A narcissist can never give you the essence of adult relationships “Mutuality”..”
It will always be all about their needs. It will never be about you.
Validation is like oxygen for a narcissist.
You are going to learn how to spot the wolf in sheep’s clothing.
Here are the 39 signs of a narcissist
1. They boast and brag about how great and superior they are. They talk about their accomplishments a lot and boast about themselves.
2. They put people down or attack those that don’t agree with them.
3. They are emotionally unstable, intense, and impulsive.
4. They discard people they can’t use.
5. They have a high level of conflict with people.
6. They lack empathy and are fine putting others in harm’s way.
7. They see themselves as significantly superior to everyone else.
8. They feel entitled to special treatment and get upset or angry when special treatment is not given?
9. They think rules don’t apply to them, so they ignore or break rules
10. Blame others for everything that does not go well.
11. They don’t respect your boundaries and get angry when you say no.
12. They can’t take any criticism, and it will typically result in rage or silent treatment or belittle you.
13. They lie, but when exposed, they do not admit it; they deny, blame shift.
14. They have an us against them attitude.
15. Lack of mutuality. Their relationships are all focused on what others can do for them.
16. They seem cold, not present, or like they don’t care when you express your emotions or talk about you.
17. They take credit for things they did not do and overstate their achievements.
18. Unable to see the perspective of other’s so don’t admit fault or mistakes or apologies.
19. They become intensely angry very quickly, and is it related to them not getting what they want, you disagree or criticizing them.
20. They always make it about them. If you had a bad day, they will blame you for making them feel bad. If you share something, they make it about themselves.
21. They need constant admiration from others and care deeply about their image and achievement.
22. They are hypersensitive to feedback and criticism and become defensive, angry, or hostile in response.
23. They dismiss, belittle, or get jealous or upset when you share your successes?
24. They attack and hurt other people’s feelings and do not seem to care? Not regret, guilt or shame.
25. They want to be perceived as the best and being better than others.
26. They lie, hide info, and give inconsistent explanations.
27. When they hurt you, or you pull them up on something, they turn it around and try to make you feel you did something wrong. Also called Gaslighting.
28. They always want more and get to the top. They will stop at nothing to get there.
29. They don’t seem to care about your distress.
30. They disacknowledge your views and emotions, turn issues around to be about you, and make you doubt your own experiences.
31. They never take responsibility and blame others for issues and conflicts.
32. Their appearance and how the world perceives them are extremely important to them.
33. Their moods and behaviors are extreme and unstable. As a result, you feel anxious about what is coming next.
34. They enjoy seeing others fail.
35. They seek revenge on those that upset them.
36. They find it challenging to spend time alone.
37. Does he tune out when you are talking, looking at his phone, or seem distracted and disengaged?
38. They show no regret when harming others.
39. They tend to mistreat service staff if not given special treatment.
Remember, it’s about how many of these traits, how frequent, and how intensely these show up.
Because your partner boasts about his new job promotion does not mean he is a narcissist.
It’s when you see many of these traits showing up repeatedly and in an intensity that fits the 90/10 rule.
Ask yourself, would 90% of people you know act that way in that context?
If the answer is no, then be aware, and your best defense is to slow down and be alert if things are moving too fast and are too intense too quickly.
That’s enough for today.
If you are in the middle of this confusing and painful place, check out the comprehensive course I did on how to heal and flourish after dating a borderline, narcissist, or socio/psychopath.
Never forget. You are worthy of love, safety, kindness & mutuality.